The excitement of the mission faded. Doubt and fear have filled my soul. Thoughts creep into my mind. Feelings of inadequacy, fear, doubt, disbelief, anxiety, frustration, anger. Feelings I know are not of God. It's hard to shake off those feelings, it's hard to believe in yourself with so many things pulling you down. It's hard to move forward when you feel worthless and inadequate.
Questions swim through my mind. How am I supposed to be a successful missionary if I can't even keep some of my best friends in the church? Am I worthy enough? Can I handle it? What about school and my family? What if I can't learn the language? What if no one likes me? What if I don't get along with my companions? What if...
Temptations are 20x worse when preparing for a mission. Satan uses every fiery dart he can think of to throw at you. Preparing for my mission was a struggle. The mission papers process was a struggle. These bad feelings right before leaving is a struggle. When I practice teaching my lessons and I mess up or make a mistake it's hard to accept that it's normal. It makes me feel like I'm going to be a failure. I'm not good enough. I don't know the doctrine well enough to teach.
This quote and the kind, wise words of my father helped me get through those feelings. I have to trust that God will mold me into the missionary He needs for His purposes. It's not my mission, it's His. I will be a representative of Jesus Christ, I will not be the same Crystal Gutknecht I am today. I will be Sister Gutknecht, called and set apart as a full-time missionary. Christ's name on that black tag is the most important part. "Forget yourself and get to work." I must forget myself and remember Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ are on my side. He will qualify me for the work.
*Blessings - It's always important to remember your blessings through times of trial.
#1 Getting out of my apartment lease.
When I lived in Tally I had signed a 12 month lease. I was very worried about money because I was preparing to pay about $400/mo on the apartment, $400/mo for the mission, and $150/mo for health insurance. Almost $1,000 a month... The day after I got my mission call I received confirmation that I could get out of my lease with no extra expense. Thanks to my amazing roommate for finding ladies to take my place. She didn't have to do that, it was my responsibility. I am so grateful for her though.
#2 Good grades and the Dean's list.
I mentally checked out of school when I heard the mission age was lowered. It was so hard to stay focused in school when I just wanted to GOOO! I did my best under the circumstances and made 1 A and 3 A- and also had a high enough GPA to make the Dean's list. Pretty good if I do say so myself!
#3 Got a job.
Missions are expensive. I asked my old job if I could work in the concessions on show nights and they said yes. It wouldn't be much but better than nothing. But the Lord saw fit to bless me more than that. My friend I worked with told me the girl who took my place in the Box Office just happened to be out of town the whole month of January so I could take her hours. Perfect. Every little bit helps! And I get to work with my BFF Elise and spend time with her before I leave. :)
#4 My brother is home and safe.
I worried about him a lot when I was away at school but things seem to be going a lot better with him. He's even coming back to church more frequently. It puts my mind at ease as I get ready to leave my family.
#5 Being able to stay in Orlando for a whole week to go to the temple more than once.
When I get my Endowments my dad was able to get a nice town house to stay in for a week at a reasonable price. It's important to go to the temple as much as possible because you learn more and more with each visit. I'm thankful I am blessed to stay there a whole week. A lot more than most people get.
#6 Sammy is coming too!
I made a pact with my best friend that I would see her go to the temple before my mission. It's happening! She's coming with me and will be doing baptisms for the first time. I am so excited for her and thankful to be able to witness her learning through the missionary lessons, getting baptized, and now going to the temple. It's truly a miracle and I can't express my gratitude for being blessed to witness it all in my best friend's life.
#7 Hayley is coming to my endowment session!
Going to the temple for the first time is a little frightening. But it's a lot better when I know my best friend is going to be there with me. :)
#8 Sister Richan is amazing and is going to pick me up from the airport in Salt Lake City.
My mom will technically be my first companion but Sister Richan will be my second! I'm going to fly in a day early and we're going to tour around Salt Lake possibly with Sister Webb too! I am so excited. I've never been to SLC and I can't wait to see the temple! And be a missionary, with some of my RM best friends! It will be a great way to start my adventure, and ease my fears a little before the MTC. Sister Richan lives 10 mins from the MTC so I get to spend the night with her and she'll drop me off at the MTC on Wednesday. How cool is that?! :)))
#9 Teaching my lessons to a less active and nonmember.
Not a lot of future missionaries get the opportunity to practice teaching on real people. They usually practice on their member family and friends. Even in the MTC they are usually actors who are members. I'm learning a lot already, making mistakes but gaining experience. Awesome opportunity.
#10 Teaching someone I didn't expect.
A guy I work with agreed to listen to my lessons. My friend Julie who also wants to serve a mission later is going to be my "companion" and Sammy will be a member friend. Gotta obey mission rules, sisters go in threes teaching a single male! ;p I hope this goes well!
The blessings always outweigh the struggles. I am so thankful for all of my blessings. God is too good to me when I don't feel I even deserve it. The least I could do is put my life on hold for a year and a half to serve Him and His children. I know He loves me more than I will ever understand. The only way I can show my love for Him and even slightly repay Him for the mercy and love he has shown me is to serve a mission and work as hard as I can every day while I'm gone.
-Hermana Gutknecht
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